SPACE ELVIS CHRONICLES
EPISODE THREE
WARNING: Theres an Alien loose aboot the hoose: looks like Elvis has green skin, small antenna and is probably dangerous ! If you see him contact the CIA, MI5, NASA or NATO.
PROLOGUE - Our hero could have done without this last week. Apart from launching himself into space, travelling across the universe, narrowly missing being sucked the sun, crash landing on an alien planet and winning an Elvis look-alike contest, he had to get to grips with things Earthside. "What is this thing called love ?" he mused as 'Blind Date' flickered on the Hotel TV set. Remember you saw, sorry, read, sorry, heard it first in THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF SPACE ELVIS.
Earth food proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back, after all scientists have always said that it is definitely not a recommended food source for an alien herbivore who worships bread products. Things came to a head when a woman on the table o pposite was about to butter a bread bun and Sevil grabbed her by the throat,
"don't do it you blasphemer the wrath of the gods will descend upon your soul".
By some quirky coincidence Prudhoe Prescilla was waitressing that night and was on hand to smooth things over "I'm awfully sorry madam, you know these theatrics, he's just been given the boot from Cats and has gone a bit loopy". Cats was obviously the key word because the woman shut her gob about calling the police.
"Are you allreet ?" said Prescilla concernedly "ye look a bit green about the gills, perhaps ye need some food inside ye. Do ye fancy a bit of steak". She inquired in a soft but matronly tone.
Ignorantly, Sevil said "yes maam"
"EE I love your manners, what a gent".
The lovingly prepared steak was the most revolting thing that Sevil had ever tasted but during his last howk his eyes fell upon a cabbage next to his plate. It was green and it could be food so he ate it along with two lettuces and a bowl of mixed salad. The vitamins and enzymes surged into his hitherto starved body and within minutes his green palour had almost completely disappeared. "Eee ye look a bit more human now ! I could have sworn ye were wearing green make-up before".
A hint of warmth in Prescilla's voice suggested to Sevil that here was a person to whom he could unburden his terrible story. But not just yet.
Four thousand miles away the NASA mission controllers were racking their brains trying to figure out why a pile of discarded space junk should reappear in earth orbit twenty years after it was supposed to have plummeted into the sun. Top space cheese, Bi g Joe Keighley, gave Chris Crud, his nervous but brilliant, assistant, a hard time.
"What's all this green crap on the shell underneath the graffiti those limey vandals sprayed over our baby, eh ! ?".
"I put it through the gravitic anomalyser s s sir, it looks like some kind of seaweed but its not of this planet" said Crud.
"Ok Einstein so you're trying to tell me that some where in outer-space is a great pile of interstellar seaweed that hid this craft for twenty years".
Crud ignored Joe's remark "What is more it wasn't empty when it fell to earth".
"Are you seriously trying to tell me that an alien being has purposely flown this mother back to earth Oh Lord tell me I'm dreaming, let me wake up in a few minutes and it be breakfast time."
Big Joe rang Frank Weipert, the newly appointed Director of the CIA, "Are you being serious Joe ?" quofed Frank. The blood vessels on Big Joe Keighley's neck enlarged "Frank, would I lie to you ? Now you've got to do something about this or we'll both b e toast".
"OK Joe I'll get a team down to you immediately. I'm not going to inform the President yet because he is busy preparing for his tour of European NATO establishments. I think that we need a little more information first, wire me a status report ASAP".
Meanwhile an extensive search by NASA, the CIA, MI5 and NATO began in the area where the craft was found.
"I dont care if you're the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I tell ya I didn't see any space aliens around here" Said Hilda Armstrong of 34 Clitheroe Terrace, Ashington.
"But ma'am are you absolutely sure that you didn't see anything out of the ordinary ?" drawled the investigator.
"How ! are yee calling wor lass a liar ? if ye aar a'll smash ye face in, reet !" responded her husband gently. "I can fight my own battles Jack" hissed Hilda horribly.
EPILOGUE - How can Sevil escape the clutches of the CIA, MI5 and NATO. What will he do next ? Dont to forget to tie a knot in your hanky so you wont miss the next fab episode of THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF SPACE ELVIS.
(c) David Wall 1995
Any resemblance to anyone living or having lived on Planet Earth is purely coincidental
