PIE IN THE SKY - Premier Issue! "All the Usenet that's fit to cross-post" Welcome to the premier issue of Pie In The Sky (PITS), an e-zine dedicated to bringing you The Truth(tm) about today's hectic gaming industry. PITS will be released on a sporadic, unregular basis, similar to that of Jaguar software. Here at PITS, you'll be able to enjoy verfied, unbiased information, not incoherent screaming. No, really. Phil Editor/Writer/Janitor -------- | News | -------- TOYS 'R US TO SELL VIRTUAL BOY FOR $15.95 ----------------------------------------- In a shocking new announcement, the Toys 'R Us chain has promised to sell the upcomming Nintendo Virtual Boy for roughly 1/10th the price at $15.95. Concerned that people weren't about to play over $150 dollars for a 3d gimmick, but being pressured by knuckle-breaking thugs working for an anonymous letter of the alphabet, Toy's 'R Us has made a desperate, last effort attempt to appease both the gamming public and organized crime. When asked how Toys 'R Us would manage to sell Virtual Boys at such a low price, an anonymous source answered, "Oh, it's easy. We just taped red cellophane to a ViewMaster." When PITS expressed conern that the Virtual Boy might loose in gameplay what it gained in affordability, our source responded, "Well, we don't think anyone's really going to notice. Certainly not the target audience for the Virtual Boy." PITS correspondent Phil Lee had recently had the opportunity to playtest the Virtual Boy. "The only two games available at the time were Telero boxing and Mario Dream Tennis. I was handed a pair of red sunglasses, and a walkman playing the theme music from Pitfall II. Then, they stood me in front of a tennis ball lobber, where I suffered a mild concussion. Next, I was told that it was time to play Telero, and that I should find somoene and hit them as hard as I could, repeatedly. While Mario Dream Tennis was dissapointing, Telero more than made up for it. PITS has also heard that Nintendo is planning an duochromatic Virtual Boy upgrade for the summer of '96, to retail for $250, with the pack in "Mario Has A Stomach Virus". ULTRA 64 TO BE RELEASED IN APRIL 1995 ------------------------------------- At a press conference today, Nintendo of America announced that they were going to release the Ultra 64 in April of 1996, almost a year earlier than announced, and over three months ago from today. "Well, we've been having a lot of trouble getting the Ultra 64 hardware to meet our specifications. We looked at the profit loss we would have to take to reach our price point of under $250, and decided it would be easier to develop an effective form of time travel. That way, we can simply wait a few years when the technology will be available dirt cheap, create the system then, and send it back in time. It also deals with the Sony and Sega problem quite nicely." Nintendo met skepticism from the press with great confidence. "Well, it can't be that hard to figure out. Nintendo has a crack team of scientists, engineers, and crackpots watching Dr. Who re-runs 18 hours a day. We have great confidence in our ability to throw money at the problem." When asked why April of 1995 was the chosen launch date for the Ultra 64, Nintendo replied, "Well, we want to be conservative with temporal marketing at first, so we're selling the Ultra 64 at a time when Nintendo already exists, and has squeezed most of the money it can out of the Super NES. Besides, people still gave a damn about Killer Instinct then." Finally, when asked how Nintendo felt about the possibility of multiple timelines and temporal paradox, Nintendo replied, "Frankly, we could care less about paradox. After all, we're here to sell great games, so what does a little bit of paradox matter?" ------------ |Interviews| ------------ M2 IS THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD ------------------------------------------- Or, at least we've been told this. Repeatedly. PITS recently had a discussion with some of the minds behind the M2. These sources have requested that they remain anonymous, and we have given them the pseudonyms of Track and Field. PITS - Ok, so what is with the M2. We've been hearing a lot about it lately. Track - Well, we recently realized that the 3DO hardware just wasn't going to cut it when all the new systems came out. So, we had to come up with a way to sell more stuff, and not piss off all the old 3DO owners. Field - We couldn't figure out what to do for a while. Then, inspiration came to us one day as we were playing Communist Mutants From Outer Space on the old Starpath Supercharger for the 2600. PITS - Ah, so you decided to create an add-on of sorts to boost the power of the system. Field - Even better. We just decided to sell Starpath Superchargers. Track - That's right! We were thinking, "Gee, wouldn't it be great if we could play Supercharger games on the 3DO?" And, belive it or not, the Supercharger plugs right in to the serial port! You just have to make a few modifications. With a hammer. PITS - Wow, that's pretty impressive. Field - Yep, that's what we said. Especially when the unit caught on fire. Track - But, don't worry! We've got everything worked out. We managed to locate an unbelivable ammount of old Superchargers that have been in storage for years. So, we created an adaptor, pasted it on, and redid the packaging. Voila - instant M2. Field - With the adaptor, you don't need a hammer to install the M2, just an ordinary kitchen knife. Kicking it works pretty well too. PITS - But, what about the M2 specs that have been announced? I don't think the Supercharger quite lives up to those particular specifications... Track - Oh, we just made those up. PITS - What about the M2 console system? How will you manage that? Field - We're working on it...don't rush us. PITS - Thank you for your time. Oh, and can I get a copy of Communist Mutants from you guys? ----------- | Reviews | ----------- PITS is dedicated to providing the best in objective game reviews. Instead of having just one person give you their opinion, we managed to find two people to act as our review team. (We wanted more than two people, but couldn't sucker anyone into the job.) So, here's our review crew - a 3 year old collie named Georgia, and someone calling themselves the "Postmeister". Virtual Figher Remix -------------------- Postmeister - OH WOW! This game TOTALLY BLEW ME AWAY! You've never seen anything like this! It's a really really really innovative new game! Sega has decided to give away VFR in specially labeled bags of Popeye Puffed Wheat cereal! I love it! Oh, I'm so glad I own a Saturn! Sega is giving us the greatest new games! You will be so totally amazed by this new level of game play it is simply amazing! Graphics = 10, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 10, Longevity = 10 Georgia - We tried to get Georgia to look at the screen, but she just sat there licking herself. So, instead we tossed her the packaging, where she ripped it up for a few minutes, then went off to play with her red ball instead. Graphics = 5, Sound = 2, Gameplay = 8, Longevity = 3 Jumping Flash ------------- Postmeister - I CANNOT BELIVE THIS GAME! It is so utterly amazing! You've got these big blocky feet, and you jump around and stuff! And it's ALL IN 3-D! You will be astounded as you see this game being played! No one who is a true lover of video games can live without this for more than a week, so order a Sony Playstation through Die Hard right now! Graphics = 10, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 10, Longevity = 10 Georgia - Georgia seemed to like Jumping Flash a lot. She started growling at the screen when she saw the rabbit then went up and sniffed the screen quite a bit when we started to jump around durring play. The carrots also got her attention. This time, she took the packaging and put it in her water bowl. Graphics = 8, Sound = 9, Gameplay = 9, Longevity = 7 Zaxxon's Motherbase 2000 ------------------------ Postmeister - D00DZ! This is a fabulous game! I play my 32-X every day, and nothing beats this! I couldn't belive how amazingly good this game was, Sega has done it again! When Sega promised us the Next Level they really delivered the Next Level just like they promised! It is so cool! You are a luzer if you don't go out and buy this game right now! In fact, you'd better buy two copies in case you wear this one out! Graphics = 10, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 10, Longevity = 10 Georgia - Fortunatly, we didn't have a 32-X handy to test this game on. So, we just handed Georgia the cartridge itself. She promptly pissed on it. Graphics = 0, Sound = 0, Gameplay = 0, Longevity = 0 ------------------ |Special Contest!| ------------------ To kick off our introdutory issue of PITS, we've decided to offer a special contest for our readers! Create an acronym for "vegabros" -------------------------------- You may already be familiar with the "vegabros" login making it's rounds on newsgroups where it probably doesn't belong. If not, you're probably leading a healthier, happier life - we'll still let you enter the contest. Here's how it works. Simply create an acronym for the term "vegabros". For example: - Virtualy Everyone Goes Apeshit Because of Random Obnoxious Spam - Vegetarian Entrees Go Airborne when Bros are in Range Of Sight - Vgod Ewhat Ga Aclueless Bpathetic Rannoying Oidiotic Smoron Those were a few to get you started. To make things sound better, feel free to include a few extra words, but don't get carried away. Entries will be judged on a basis of creativity, originality, humor, and the day of the week. So, go ahead and send in your entries! The winner will recieve a coupon for a free Virtual Boy from Toys 'R Us. *** That's it for this issue! Look forward for more to come, sometime in the future. Also, let us know if you'd like to see a web version of PITS!