PIE IN THE SKY - Issue #3! "All the Usenet that's fit to crosspost" Hello, and welcome to issue #3 of Pie In The Sky! On behalf of all of us here at PITS, I'd like to apologize for the long wait between issues 2 and 3; when we pledged ourselves to release our third issue with the release of the Nintendo 64, we didn't expect quite this much delay. However, we've used the delay wisely, and plan never to spend time in a Mexican prison again. Enjoy! Phil Editor/Writer/Janitor ------ |News| ------ NINTENDO TO RELEASE GAMEBOY POCKET ---------------------------------- Nintendo recently announced a plan to bring new life to portable gaming with their announcement of GameBoy Pocket, a small, monochrome portable gaming system. This is intended to be a cheap, low price way to carry around popular games such as Tetris, and is not expected to interfere with sales of their forthcomming 32 bit color portable "Atlantis" system. When asked how the idea for GameBoy Pocket came about, one Nintendo staffer explained: "Well, we were hiding in the back of one of our warehouses, and came across a bunch of leftover Game & Watch handhelds that had been collecting dust for years. We decided to put them to good use by writing 'Tetrisized' on each of them with a paint pen, repackaging them, and selling them cheap, say 3000 yen." Not only will the GameBoy Pocket come in a variety of colors, special multi-colored pocket protectors will also be available at launch, and come with a free paint pen. Upcomming software includes the above mentioned Tetrisized, Mario Has A Roll Of Quarters, Zelda's Quest For The Sword In The Cave, and Pez Mania. There is also a link cable planned to allow multiple GameBoy Pockets to be hooked together, to ship with a You Don't Know Jack style triva game tentatively titled There's A Party In My Pants. 'NIGHTS' TO FEATURE SPECIAL ANALOG CONTROL PAD ---------------------------------------------- One of the features of the forthcomming Saturn game 'Nights' is the special control pad required to play it. To give the player smoother control, a special analog pad is being released, that resembles a flat Saturn pad with the analog stick poking out of one corner. In addition to use with Nights, the special analog pad has potential to be put to good use in a variety of other Saturn releases, such as driving games and flight sims. When asked how the idea came about, a STI (Sega Technical Institute) manager said that one of his employees came upon the concept soon after Nintendo moved one of it's warehouses full of Nintendo 64 boxes next door. There is, of course, no connection implied by this, stated the manager. While the NegCon analog controller is available from Namco for the PlayStation, Sony officials have expressed interest in developing such an analog pad, just as soon as their R&D division finishes relocating. NINTENDO 64 RELEASED IN JAPAN ----------------------------- After years of waiting, the Nintendo 64 was released on Sunday, June 23rd in Japan to anxious crowds. Despite the large number of people waiting in line to purchase their Nintendo 64, worries about supply shortages and possible rioting was squelched by an efficient distribution system and Nintendo's private policemen, guarding stores and keeping crowds in line with the combined theat of tear gas and cattle prods. When asked about the measures, a Nintendo spokseman explained, "Well, we've got to keep the kids in line. And we do mean in line." To quote one of the eager buyers, the Nintendo 64 is "better than dried cod", and they plan on "playing Mario until the epilepsy kicks in". This sentiment echos the feelings of most of the first day Nintendo 64 purchesers, though we at PITS are waiting before passing judgement. While we were able to obtain our very own Nintendo 64, we haven't quite managed to get our hands on any software yet. However, we can attest to the joy of the unique new controller. It is comfortable to grip, throws well, and can drop a man at 40 yards, in addition to working as a substitute lawn dart. The console itself is adaquate at the very least, and does make a useful bludgeon for escaping from roving gangs of ravenous fanboys. However, we did manage to borrow Shogi for a while; look for a review later in this issue. PITS has managed to obtain a preliminary list of Japanese Nintendo 64 releases. Please bear in mind that these dates are subject to change. 5/23/96 - Mairo 64 5/23/96 - Pilotwings 64 5/23/96 - Shogi 6/23/96 - Sazae-San 6/28/96 - Kirby (title TBA) 8/14/96 - Tetrisized 9/07/96 - Advent 11/20/96 - Yoshi Takes A Bath 11/20/96 - Pong 64 12/05/96 - Pilotwings 64 Special Edition 02/14/97 - Graduation 64 02/17/97 - Mario Kart 64 03/22/97 - Hokuto No Ken RPG 04/04/97 - Mario Strip Mahjong 64 07/08/97 - Shadows of the Empire 10/14/97 - Vegas Style Pachinko 01/08/98 - Zelda 64 05/11/98 - Ultima III 07/18/98 - Ropongi Club Hoping Blues 11/09/98 - Karate Champ 3-D ---------- |INTEVIEW| ---------- GAMER, DON'T FEAR THE PLUMBER ----------------------------- Despite his very busy schedule, we managed to arrange a brief interview with Mario, Nintendo mascot and star of the flagship Nintendo 64 title Mario 64. PITS - Thanks for your time Mario, we realize you don't have a lot of it to spare right now with the Nintendo 64 launch. How to you feel about your new title? Mario - Great. People were saying that I wouldn't be able to make the transition from 2-D to 3-D, but I think everyone will be pleased with the final product. I'm not going to fall to the wayside like Chaplin did with the advent of sound; besides, I have a better moustache. PITS - Nintendo is betting a lot of money that people will be pleased, especially considering the role your title is expected to play in the marketing of the Nintendo 64. Do you think you're worth it? Mario - Hell yes I'm worth it to them. I've given a lot of blood, sweat, and tears for Nintendo, and they realize what my name means to the gaming public. Besides, I'm very good with children. PITS - We're sure you are. What about your rival, Sonic, do you think he's prepared to... Mario - Don't talk to me about that damn hedgehog. His latest game is utter crap compared to Mario 64. With him running around so fast in 3-D, I'm suprised people aren't getting sick all over their Saturns. The speed is just a gimick for that two-bit mascot. PITS - Gimick it may be, but it certainly caught the eye of the Princess, who has been seen out on the town with Sonic. Is your relationship on the rocks? Mario - Things are still great between the Princess and I, and any rumors about her and the hedgehog are blatent lies told by some jealous goomba. And that's all I have to say on the matter. PITS - Okay, on to another subject. Rumors have been floating around about your supposed relationship with the mafia. Would you care to comment on this? Mario - I'm tired of hearing about the mob stuff. Just because I'm Italian, doesn't mean that I'm a criminal thug or something. For the last time, I am in no way associated with the mafia. PITS - How about the yakuza? Mario - No comment. PITS - Finally, now that Mario 64 is out of your way, what other project are you working on? Mario - Well, it looks like I'm going to be stuck in another Yoshi game. Yoshi's an okay critter, but he smells horrible and is a pain to work with. I really don't like these animal games anyway. Super Mario RPG was much more my style, and a sequel for the Nintendo 64 is already in the works. PITS - But, won't that require the rumored "Bulky Drive" expansion, and even more money to be shelled out by the consumer? Mario - What can I say? I'm worth it. PITS - We're sure you are, O prima donna. Mario - No, that's the Princess. ------------------ |INDUSTRY INSIDER| ------------------ (Once again, the mysterious Q-tip returns to give you all the latest juice, fresh from the grapevine, that has been fermenting deep in his frontal lobes. We're hoping he'll go back to dealing and leave us alone, but here he is for another issue.) After a year, the Q-TIP returns, to bless his adoring public with the newest deposit of gooey tidbits! When you're the candyman for half the industry, you can always get the goods, and Q-tip is here to share them with you, and a much reduced cost. --- First, the N-mesiter is back in the news, with their low-key alliance with Uncle Bill and the boys at MS. While the paranoids out there are already ranting about the threat of global domination, that won't be for a few more years yet. Instead, Gates is trying to promote himself as a corporate mascot upgrade from the aging Mario. Nintendo, it seems, is more interested in taking the ever-so-lucrative Microsoft Flight Simulator license and using it as a spring board for it's entry into the air traffic controler biz, claiming it's new joypad increases response time among the overly coffee infused. Personally, I think Bill just wanted N to help keep his wife entertained. --- Capcom and Marvel are on a roll with the success of Marvel Super Heroes. What's next? Secret Wars II is in the works, though early playtesting reports problems in game balance caused by the Beyonder. There are also tentative plans for a New Universe fighting game. --- I've seen some of the early designs for Killer Instinct III, tentatively titled Orchid and her Sisters. It seems that gameplay has been simplified with one large button labeled "COMBO" for each player; personally, I think they came across an overstock of Decathalon machines. --- Finally, the Jag might not be as dead as it seems. One of the keenest things about the system was the CD-ROMs Virtual Light Machine, which created paterns on the screen based on the music you played. In a train wreck with elevator muzak, it seems to create a hypnotic effect of consumer frenzy. Pity it's a bit late. --- That's it for the Tipster this tiem. I'll keep digging deep for those special little gems of hype, hype, hype, whether you like it or not. --- Q-TIP --------- |REVIEWS| --------- Once again, PITS brings you more reviews than ever before! Georgia, our 4 year old collie, is back with us, as well as the Postmeister. Guest reviewers include "Kabuki" (Japanophile extrordinaire), Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert, and minor diety Bill Gates. Zork:Nemesis - PC ----------------- Kabuki - What a piece of shit game! I didn't like Zork, which had really bad graphics, and the puzzles just weren't any fun. I hate American games. Graphics = 2, Sound = 4, Gameplay = 4, Longevity = 3 Georgia - Georgia loved the old Zork games, but was somewhat disapointed with Nemesis. A few disks lying in a box with boring instructions just really doesn't cut it, when Georgia had such a good time tearing apart the old Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy box, even if she did almost choke on the Don't Panic button. Graphics = X, Sound = 7, Gameplay = 6, Longevity = 5 Nights - Saturn (preview) ------------------------- (While we realize that Nights isn't a finished product, we decided a review based on the early levels seen at E3 would be safe.) Postmeister - Dudes, this game rocks! Sonic Team is back to give us another fantastic experience, just like the one given to us by the cool blue furred one himself! It's fantastic, and we loved the Sonic-like experience, even if it didn't have any rings. A must buy! Graphics = 10, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 10, Longevity = 10 Georgia - Georgia never liked jumping through hoops, and didn't care much for flying through them either. However, she loved the special control pad used with the game, and it's become her favorite chew toy. Graphics = 7, Sound = 7, Gameplay = 5, Longevity = 9 Resident Evil - PlayStation --------------------------- Siskel: What a fantastic game! While the plot wasn't as strong as it could have been, the beautiful effects, great sound, and solid acting make this a good summer thriller. Thumbs Up Ebert: I have to disagree here. While Resident Evil looked pretty enough, the acting was wretched, even if it was initially intended for a Japanese audience. Keep Resident Evil far away from your summer gaming plans. Thumbs Down Siskel: You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Thumbs Up Egbert: Piss off, you wouldn't know good acting if it bit you in the ass. Thumbs Down (Review cut here to save space. - The Editor) Georgia - This is the kind of game Georgia likes. Aside from the great haunted house atmosphere, nice graphics, and cool sound effects, it had killer dogs ripping the throats out of our intrepid explorers. The only thing that bothers us is that Georgia has taken to prowling around the front yard, guarding the petunias. Graphics = 9, Sound = 9, Gameplay = 8, Longevity = 7 Virtual Fighter Kids - Saturn ----------------------------- Postmeister - What a lame game, this was just a bad joke. I love to watch Japanimation, but these cute characters just aren't any good, I'd rather be playing Night Warriors, Felecia is such a babe, even if she looks like shit in the cartoon. Graphics = 10, Gameplay = 10, Sound = 10, Longevity = 10 Georgia - We won't let Georgia play this one anymore. She really isn't a fan of the Virtua Fighter series, but really enjoyed VF Kids. Then she bit the neighbors kid. (Don't worry, she didn't break the skin and the parents didn't call the pound.) Graphics = 7, Sound = 6, Gameplay = 8, Longevity = 6 Quake - PC ---------- (Note - Review based on the shareware demo) Netanyahu - I am very glad to see that the long-awaited sequel to Doom is close to finally being released, and eagerly await the opportunity to play in the Deathmatch mode with my neighbors. First, however, there are some issues regarding the specifics of modem use that I would like to address... Graphics = 9, Sound = 8, Gameplay = 9, Longevity = 3 Georgia - Georgia was never a big fan of Doom, especially after a bunch of psych students from the local university tried to get her to run through a few mazes for them. Still, she likes the underwater scenes, and usually wants to go swimming after playing. Graphics = 7, Sound = 4, Gameplay = 6, Longevity = 7 William's Arcade Classics - PlayStation --------------------------------------- Bill - Well, we already have all of the games on this disc set for free play in the MicroSoft cafeteria, but it's nice to see them available on a home console system. In fact, we're working on a Microsoft Flight Simulator compilation disc for a variety of platform systems right now, in addition to other console projects we'll be announcing in very near future. Graphics = 4, Sound = 5, Gameplay = 9, Longevity = 10 Georgia - Defender has always been a bit loud for Georgia, but she's gotten pretty good at Joust. While the two joysticks in the original Robotron gave her a bit of trouble, she can play using the PSX pad just fine. She never liked the voice in Sinistar, and starts growling whenver anyone says "I hunger". Finally, she's taken to sleeping in the tub a lot. Overall, she likes the compilation. Graphics = 6, Sound = 4, Gameplay = 7, Longevity = 8 Shogi - Nintendo 64 ------------------- Postmeister - WOW!!!!!! The Nintendo 64 is everything we imagined it would be! Nintendo has delivered, and we are in for gaming paradise! All real gamers should go out and get a Nintendo 64 right now, sell your old systems, Nintendo will destroy them all! Pure gaming bliss, we love Nintendo! Graphics = 10, Gameplay = 10, Sound = 10, Longevity = 10 Georgia - Georgia watched us play Shogi for a few minutes, then went to sleep. Later, we found her chewing on a missing chess piece that was lying under the couch. Graphics = 4, Gameplay = 5, Sound = 5, Longevity = 5 *** That's it for this issue!! Look for future issues of PITS, hopefully less than annually. Also, be sure to check out the Pie In The Sky archive at http://sunsite.unc.edu/phil/pits.html