If you're reading this, chances are you're hardcore enough to actually get some sort of amusement out of the incomplete Issue 5 of Pie In The Sky. I was working hard at getting this out in time for Christmas '96, had a list of what I wanted to write, started working on it...and then I got a job. Oops. So, my spare time went out the window, PITS 5 kept getting put off, and I never wound up finishing it. You'll find that this issue cuts off in mid-sentence from where I was writing. I recently stumbled across it rotting in my shell account and decided I may as well put it up on the PITS page. Alas, my original notes have vanished, so I dunno what games Georgia would have been chewing on in this issue. I do remember working on a number of parody songs for the Pie In The Sky Songbook, headed up (naturally) by "Pie In The Sky", to the tune of "Eye In The Sky" by the Alan Parsons Project. Perhaps I'll ressurect that little ditty sometime soon. Keep in mind that the humor in this issue is almost four years old, and that this is the first draft. Reading back through this issue, it obviously needed a lot of work. Still, hopefully you'll be somewhat amused. For the record: This isn't Issue 5 of PITS. I hope to actually crank out another issue one of these years, perhaps with the PS2 launch. Feel free to nag me at phil@metalab.unc.edu if you'd like to see more. *** PIE IN THE SKY - Issue 5! Hail Eris! ------------------------------------- "All the Usenet that's fit to cross-post" You can tell it's time for the holidays here at the offices of Pie In The Sky. Leftover turkey sandwiches, Georgia chewing on one of the stockings, Christmas Nights drink coasters...it's that special time of the year when there's a chill in the air, people give gifts, and the content:ad ratio of most gaming mags goes up to around 10:90. We encourage you and your loved ones to gather around the cheery glow of the television, microwave popcorn roasting in a radar range, and play videogames until arthritis develops. Also, please feel free to donate printed copies of Pie In The Sky to the Salvation Army - remember, every page counts. Phil Editor, Writer, Janitor ------ |News| ------ NINTENDO TO INTRODUCE FEEDBACK CONTROLLER FOR N64 ------------------------------------------------- Nintendo has announced that they have discarded plans for an earlier feedback controler for the N64 (the "Jolt Pack") in favor of a revolutionary new form of tactile feedback interface. With the working name of the TF64 device - also known as the "Touchy-Feely" - the device offers a new level of interaction in gameplay. "Here at Nintendo, we're committed to making the Nintendo 64 a truly next-generation system, and that also includes the realm of interface," one spokesman stated. Nintendo has also very careful to stress the wholesome, family nature of this product, stating that "foul examples of cheap pornography will not be tolerated for use with such an innocent, family-oriented device." Production of the TF units have already begun, and gamers can expect to see the peripheral to be available sometime in 1997. "We're all very excited about this - in a strictly mental sense - and we're certain that everyone, especially kids, will love it - in a strictly platonic sense," the spokesman gushed. Forthcomming games to support the TF include Pat The Bunny, Tickle-Me-Zelda (aka Tickle Me And Tell Me That You Love Me), The Princess does Dallas, Sorority Slut Slumber Party 64, and Dr. Mario TF Edition - Let's Play Doctor. SONY INTRODUCES CHEAP PLAYSTATION DEVELOPMENT KIT ------------------------------------------------- In an effort to discover raw talent among the unwashed masses, Sony has introduced an inexpensive PlayStation development kit in Japan. Known as "Yarouze Bakayaro" (which roughly translates as "Let's do it, asshole"), your fistfull of yen (equivalent to roughly $1000 dollars) gets you a special black PlayStation that has no territorial lockout, a cable to plug it into the computer of your choice (PC, Mac, or Timex-Sinclair), a key disc and a key memory card (to ensure that your creation stays on the Yarouze Bakayaro where it belongs), and a somewhat scaled down development kit. The primary difference between Yarouze Bakayaro and the regular development kit is that the YB doesn't support access to the CD-ROM drive, limiting your game to what it can load into memory (about 3.5 MB of ram). Also, the system can't run your game from CD-ROM, nor can non-YB systems run your game. We asked some of the fine folks at Sony about this. "Well, we're interested in protecting Yarouze Bakayaro creators from falling victims to the spectre of piracy and finding their game being sold all over Hong Kong without their getting paid for it. Also, we don't want any of these people to actually compete with professional developers, lest things get out of hand. Our hand, specifically. Finally, we want to ensure that people have to shell out the cash for a YB system if they want to play games created on the YB. We like to think of it as a sort of club. With a $1000 cover charge." Sony also emphasizes the hope that a new batch of PlayStation game developers will be able to make their pile using the YB. "There was once a time that anyone with a computer could make a great game and get bought out by another company. We've always been rather fond of those days. And who knows? With a bit of luck, maybe we'll find the person responsible for the next...oh...PaRappa the Rapper." A look at the first generation of YB software comming out of Japan feature a wide variety of games, including shooting games, games with characters lifted from TokiMemo, shooting games, bad Doom clones, shooting games, smut, and the occasional shooting game. Sony is planning to introduce the Yarouze Bakayaro sometime durring the 1st quarter of 1997, tentatively named "Make Money Fast, Sucker," and will sell here for about $750. ----------------- |Special Feature| ----------------- Just in time for last minute shopping, Pie In The Sky is proud to present... THE BEST VIDEO GAME CONSOLE AVAILABLE...HONEST ---------------------------------------------- If you haven't purchased a video game system yet, you may find yourself indecisive about which system is the best. Rather than leave you to make the decision based on the games you actually like, we're here to let you know our opinion. We're determined to rank the systems, and choose a definate winner, based on the following factors: 1) The Reaction of the Salesperson - We don't want anyone to be overly emberessed by their purchase of choice, especially with the chance of someone you know seeing you in those crowded malls. So, we're going to describe how our Salesperson reacted at a variety of stores when we purchased the console in question. And, besides, these people work at a video game store - they must know a lot about gaming! Right? 2) Games Your Kid Brother Likes - We think knowing the reaction of the typical target market is very important. Even if you don't actually have a younger sibbling, these responses should affect your inner brat on a deep level. For the purposes of this ranking, we used Alex, a delightful little 12 year old punk, and younger brother of our beloved Phil. 3) The Usefullness of the System as a Weapon - In these troubled times, you can't afford to just waste your money on a frivolous pastime like video games - you also need a reliable self-defense tool to protect you from roving packs of thugs and software pirates. Our trained experts went out rolling drunks and picking fights, and are here to give you the bottom line on the reliability of your purchase in melee combat. 4) How Much We Were Bribed - Speaking of the bottom line, we were sure to let the respective companies know that "gifts" were gladly accepted, even though they would in no way affect our final rankings. Trust us. So, let's get started! Our contenders are: 1) PlayStation 2) Saturn 3) Nintendo64 4) A Pet Rock The decision to include the pet rock was a bit contraversial around the office, but we decided that since it was a more valid entertainment option than, oh, say the Virtual Boy, which itself is undeniably a video game console, that we could call it a console and throw it in the rankings. Yes, we know - our logic is as sketchy as our morals. --------------- - PlayStation - --------------- The Reaction of the Salesperson - When we asked the guy if they had any PlayStations in, he wandered over to the pile of "emergency airlifted" units and, after digging around in the mound for a few minutes, emerged with a PlayStation; he also claimed to have used his lucky demo disc to pick out one that didn't skip horribly. After enduring a hard-sale pitch for a Game Shark ("No. Look, we don't want it. No. No! Get away from me!") we made the mistake of asking about RPGs. He pointed to a copy of Beyond the Beyond and chuckled; when we asked when Final Fantasy 7 would be out, he almost choked. We dropped some money on the counter and left him there gagging. Games Your Kid Brother Likes - "Dude, like, you've just GOT to get Mortal Kombat! Gamefan says it's the best version! And Mom says you have to get me two games, so I want Samurai Showdown III. Oh, yeah, and Crash. Mom said you had to get me three games. And make sure you get something cool. That stupid TokiMemo game sucks." The Usefulness of the System as a Weapon - One of the things we like best about the PlayStation are the controllers; they make one of the best garrotes we've ever used. Unfortunatly, the system itself, though aesthetically pleasing, just isn't built to handle a heavy beating, and tends to break apart when used as a bludgeon. Attempts at using memory cards as a thrown weapon also turned out to be disapointing. However, for a truly superior club, the Sony arcade style joystick can't be beaten. The thing is huge, heavy, with a big metal plate at the bottom. How Much We Were Bribed - The inflatable Laura Croft doll, while amusing, just didn't do a lot for us. However, the week long cruise with the voice actress went much better. We also received a large box of PaRappa dolls - we've been using them as kindling. Ranking: Salesman - 7 Brother - 5 Weapon - 6 Bribe - 7 Overall - 7 ---------- - Saturn - ---------- The Reaction of the Salesman - We picked up a Saturn and the salesman gave us our three free games. We asked what other good games he recommended and he gave us a puzzled look, then pointed at the three free games. Further questioning didn't tell us anything else. When we mentioned that we might be interested in getting a NetLink, he started giggling, muttered something along the lines of "oh, I've gotta tell the boys about this", and wandered into the back room where hysterical laughter broke out. We waited around for a few minutes, but no one came back out. At the next store, we kept our mouths shut. Games Your Kid Brother Likes - "Look! They've got Fighters MegaMix! It's got ALL the fighters together in one game! I've gotta have it! Oh, yeah, and Fighting Vipers! It's got PepsiMan in it! It's awesome! And I want Sonic, but that can wait until my birthday." The Usefulness of the System as a Weapon - Unlike the PlayStation controllers, the Saturn controllers are a bit too light for us to properly appreciate, and are a bit too flimsy to use in heavy combat. On the other hand the console itself is larger and sturdier than the PlayStation and makes a better hand to hand weapon. Also, the memory carts are good for throwing at people. We did some testing with the Netlink, and found that it really didn't do anything, though it was fun to beat people over the hed with the keyboard. How Much We Were Bribed - We just weren't thrilled with the three free games that everyone else got anyway. Nor the 3-D Sonic demo. Nor the Christmas Nights demo. Nor 300 copies of